How Are Parenting Decisions Made During Mediation?

When parents decide to separate, one of the biggest questions they often face is: How will we make decisions about our children now that we are no longer together?

Many parents worry about where the children will live, how parenting time will be divided, who will make important decisions, and how they will communicate about the children in the future.

But in my experience, most parents who come to mediation are not looking to fight over every parenting decision. Often, they have already agreed that the relationship is over and simply don’t know what comes next.

They want to know what is reasonable, what the law says, and how they can create a parenting arrangement that works for their children and their new lives.

That is where mediation can be particularly helpful.

Rather than having a judge make parenting decisions for them, parents can work together with a mediator to understand their options, discuss their children’s needs, and develop a practical parenting plan that they both understand and agree to.

What Does Parenting Decision-Making Mean in Mediation?

Depending on the issue and the family’s circumstances, parents may need to consider decisions and arrangements involving areas such as:

Education and schooling;
Healthcare and medical decisions;
Religious or cultural upbringing;
Extracurricular activities;
Travel;
Childcare;
Significant changes to the child’s living arrangements; and
Other important decisions affecting the child’s health, education, and well-being.

The specific arrangements will depend on the family.

Some parents may be able to make most decisions together. Others may decide that certain responsibilities should be handled by one parent, while other decisions require consultation between both parents.

The important point is that mediation does not impose a standard parenting arrangement on every family.

Instead, the goal is to help parents understand their options and create an arrangement that makes sense for their particular circumstances.

Who Makes Parenting Decisions During Mediation?

The parents do.

That is one of the fundamental differences between mediation and court.

In mediation, the mediator does not decide which parent is right or tell the parents what their parenting schedule must be. My role is to educate, facilitate the discussion, ask questions, identify issues that may need to be addressed, and help both parents explore practical options.

The parents remain responsible for making the decisions.

This can be especially valuable because parents know their children, their schedules, their work commitments, and their family’s circumstances better than anyone else.

A court can make orders based on the evidence and law before it. Parents working together through mediation can often develop more detailed and flexible solutions that fit the realities of their family.

What Factors Are Considered When Creating a Parenting Plan?

A parenting plan should reflect the needs of the particular children and family.

During mediation, parents may discuss factors such as:

The children’s ages and developmental needs
Each parent’s work schedule
School locations and transportation
Existing childcare arrangements
The children’s activities and commitments
Where each parent lives
The children’s relationships with each parent
How holidays and school breaks will be handled
Communication between the parents
How future decisions will be made
Travel arrangements
How changes to the parenting schedule will be handled

The goal is not necessarily to create a perfectly equal division of time.

The goal is to create a parenting arrangement that is practical, sustainable, and focused on the children’s best interests.

For parents who are also working through financial issues, it can be helpful to understand how parenting arrangements connect with child support calculations in Ontario.

Does Parenting Time Have to Be 50/50?

No.

One of the misconceptions I hear is that separated parents must create a 50/50 parenting schedule.

That is not necessarily appropriate for every family.

Some children may spend approximately equal time with both parents. Other families may have a different schedule because of school, work, distance, age, activities, or other circumstances.

The important question is not simply whether the schedule is exactly 50/50.

The more important question is whether the arrangement meets the children’s needs and works realistically for the family.

Mediation gives parents an opportunity to explore different schedules rather than assuming there is only one correct answer.

There is no automatic requirement that parenting time be divided equally between parents. The focus under Ontario family law is the best interests of the child. The appropriate schedule will depend on the child’s needs and the family’s particular circumstances.

How Are Important Parenting Decisions Handled?

Parents can discuss how decisions will be made in the future as part of their parenting plan.

For example, they may agree that both parents will consult with each other before making significant decisions about education or healthcare.

They may also establish a process for resolving disagreements.

This is important because a parenting plan should not only address what happens when parents agree. It should also provide some guidance for what happens when they don’t.

A good parenting plan can answer practical questions such as:

How will parents communicate about important decisions?
How much notice should be provided before a major decision?
How will parents exchange information from schools or healthcare providers?
What happens if parents disagree?
How will disagreements be addressed without unnecessarily escalating conflict?

Thinking about these questions in advance can make future co-parenting much easier.

What If Parents Already Agree on a Parenting Arrangement?

That can make mediation much easier, but it is still important to make sure the arrangement has been properly considered.

I often meet couples who tell me, “We’ve already agreed on everything.”

That’s a great starting point.

But there may still be questions worth asking.

For example:

What happens during school holidays?
How will Christmas and other holidays be divided?
What happens on birthdays?
How will extracurricular activities be handled?
What happens if one parent needs to change the schedule?
How will travel be handled?
How will major educational or medical decisions be made?
What happens if the children have different needs as they get older?

An agreement that works today may need to be reconsidered as children grow.

The purpose of mediation is not simply to put an existing agreement onto paper. It is also an opportunity to make sure both parents understand the decisions they are making and have considered the practical implications.

Parents may also want to review how to create a parenting plan after separation for a broader discussion of the issues that should be considered.

What Happens When Parents Disagree About Parenting Decisions?

Disagreement does not necessarily mean mediation has failed.

In fact, parents do not need to agree on everything before entering mediation. If they did, there would often be very little for the mediator to help them resolve.

When parents disagree, mediation provides an opportunity to identify the specific issue, understand each parent’s concerns, and explore possible solutions. The goal is not to determine which parent is right but to help both parents better understand the issue and consider options that meet their children’s needs.

Can Parenting Decisions Be Changed Later?

Families change.

Children grow older, parents change jobs, families move, school circumstances change, and children’s needs develop over time.

For that reason, parents may want their parenting arrangements to include a process for discussing future changes.

A parenting plan can provide a framework for communication and future adjustments.

The goal is not to predict every possible situation that could happen over the next 18 years.

Instead, parents can create a practical foundation for handling changes when they arise.

This is another area where collaborative communication can be valuable.

Parents can also decide in advance how proposed changes will be discussed, including whether significant changes must be agreed to in writing or addressed through mediation before either parent seeks court intervention.

What If Communication Between the Parents Is Difficult?

Parents do not have to be best friends for mediation to work. They don’t even have to agree on everything.

They do, however, need to be willing to participate honestly, listen to information, and work toward resolving the issues affecting their family.

In my experience, emotions are often a bigger obstacle than the legal issues themselves. Separation can bring fear, anger, grief, and uncertainty. A parent may be worried about losing time with their children, while another may be concerned about their child’s safety, education, stability, or emotional well-being.

When emotions begin to take over a discussion, I slow the conversation down and try to understand what each person is actually concerned about.

Sometimes people are arguing about a parenting schedule when what they are really expressing is fear about their relationship with their children.

Once the underlying concern is understood, it often becomes easier to move away from positions and begin exploring practical solutions.

What Makes a Parenting Mediation Successful?

Parents do not need to have a low-conflict relationship for mediation to be successful. What matters more is whether they are willing to participate in the process, consider information, and work toward practical solutions for their children.

Successful mediation usually requires:

Honest participation
Complete and accurate information
Respectful communication
A willingness to listen
An openness to different options
A focus on the children’s needs
A willingness to make informed decisions
A commitment to moving forward rather than remaining focused on past grievances

Parents don’t have to like each other.

They don’t have to agree on everything.

They simply need to be willing to work toward practical solutions.

How Does a Mediator Help Parents Make Decisions?

One of the most important principles I have learned through years of mediation is that education comes first.

People often arrive with assumptions about what they believe they are entitled to, what the other parent should agree to, or what a parenting arrangement is supposed to look like. Those assumptions may come from friends or family, something they have read online, or another family’s experience.

But every family is different.

My role is not to tell parents what decision to make or decide which parent is right. It is to help both parents understand the legal framework, identify the parenting issues that need to be addressed, and consider how different options may work for their family.

During mediation, I may:

Explain how Ontario family law applies to the family’s circumstances
Make sure both parents have an opportunity to be heard
Help identify parenting issues that may not yet have been considered
Ask questions that bring practical concerns to the surface
Help parents explore different parenting schedules and decision-making arrangements
Encourage decisions based on accurate information rather than assumptions
Help parents consider how their arrangements may work as their children grow and circumstances change
Help parents develop a detailed and practical Parenting Plan

Once parents have accurate information and a better understanding of their options, the conversation often changes. Instead of focusing only on what each parent wants, they can begin looking at what arrangement will work for their children and their family as a whole.

Ultimately, the parents remain responsible for the decisions. The mediator’s role is to provide information, guide the discussion, and help both parents make informed decisions about the arrangements they are creating for their children.

When Might Mediation Not Be Appropriate for Parenting Decisions?

Mediation is not appropriate for every family.

Before mediation begins, I conduct separate intake meetings with each person to assess whether both people can participate safely and voluntarily.

There may be circumstances where mediation is not appropriate or where court intervention is necessary to address a particular issue.

These can include situations involving:

Family violence
Ongoing coercive control
Serious safety concerns
A lack of voluntary participation
A refusal to provide necessary information
Attempts to intimidate or pressure the other person
Circumstances where someone cannot make informed decisions

Urgent issues involving child safety or the removal of a child from the jurisdiction may also require immediate court involvement.

Even when court becomes necessary for one particular issue, however, it does not necessarily mean every issue has to be decided in court. In some circumstances, other matters may still be capable of being resolved through mediation.

What Is the Biggest Benefit of Making Parenting Decisions Through Mediation?

For me, one of the biggest benefits is that parents remain involved in creating the decisions that will affect their children for years to come.

Instead of asking a judge to determine every important aspect of their family’s future, parents have the opportunity to sit down together, understand the law, discuss their concerns, and create solutions that reflect their actual circumstances.

That can be especially important because the separation may end, but parenting does not.

Parents will continue to communicate about their children for many years.

A parenting plan that is created collaboratively can provide a stronger foundation for that ongoing relationship.

This is why family mediation in Ontario can be about much more than simply resolving a legal dispute. It can help parents establish a practical framework for moving forward.

Parenting Mediation Is About Creating a Future, Not Re-Litigating the Past

One of the things I have learned after years of helping separating couples is that people are often overwhelmed when they first begin the process.

They may be worried about their children, their finances, their homes, and what life will look like after separation.

Those emotions are completely understandable.

But the decisions parents make during separation can affect their families for many years.

That is why I encourage parents to focus on where they want to be a year from now rather than remaining stuck in what happened during the relationship.

Mediation provides an opportunity to have those difficult conversations in a structured environment, learn how the law applies to the family’s circumstances, and explore solutions that both parents can live with.

The goal isn’t to make everyone agree.

The goal is to help parents make informed decisions that put their children and their future at the centre of the conversation.

Frequently Asked Questions

Who makes parenting decisions during mediation?

The parents make the decisions. The mediator does not impose a parenting arrangement or decide which parent is right. The mediator’s role is to provide information, facilitate discussions, and help both parents explore options so they can make informed decisions together.

Does mediation mean parents have to agree on everything?

No. Parents can enter mediation with disagreements about parenting, child support, finances, or other issues. The purpose of mediation is to help them understand the issues, explore options, and work toward agreements.

Do parenting arrangements have to be 50/50?

No. A 50/50 schedule may work for some families, but it is not automatically appropriate for every child or family. Parenting arrangements should reflect the children’s needs and the family’s circumstances.

What happens if parents cannot agree on a parenting issue?

The mediator can help the parents identify the concern behind the disagreement, provide relevant information, and explore possible solutions. If an issue cannot be resolved through mediation, court may be necessary to determine that particular issue.

Can a parenting plan be changed in the future?

Parenting arrangements may need to change as children grow and family circumstances change. Parents can include a process for reviewing and discussing future changes as part of their parenting plan.

Is mediation appropriate if parents don't get along?

Parents do not have to get along perfectly for mediation to work. They do need to be able to participate voluntarily, communicate sufficiently to work through the issues, and negotiate in good faith. Separate intake meetings help assess whether mediation is appropriate.

Family Mediation Services Throughout Ontario

Positive Solutions Divorce Services provides online family mediation to separating couples throughout Ontario, including:

Because mediation is conducted online, you can participate from anywhere in Ontario without travelling to an office.

Speak With an Ontario Family Mediator

If you’re unsure how parenting decisions should be handled after separation, a complimentary 30-minute joint consultation can help you understand the mediation process and your options before deciding how you want to proceed.

Our role isn’t to tell either parent how much parenting time they should have or which parent should make every decision. We provide general information about Ontario family law, help identify the parenting issues that need to be addressed, facilitate discussions, and help both parents explore options so they can make informed decisions.

We also recommend that each person obtain independent legal advice before signing a final Separation Agreement. This gives both parents an opportunity to have the agreement reviewed from their own legal perspective before making it final.

🗓️ Schedule your complimentary, joint, 30-minute consultation today to learn more.

📞 Toll-Free: 888-779-8777
📧 connect@positivesolutions.ca
🌐 www.positivesolutions.ca

“Changing the way couples separate in Ontario”

Author: Bev Lewis

President and founder of Positive Solutions Divorce Services®
(416)-559-5527 | connect@positivesolutions.ca | positivesolutions.ca

The information provided in our blogs and throughout our website is intended for general educational purposes, offering insights into separation and divorce processes throughout Ontario. While we make every effort to ensure our content is accurate and current, it should not be considered legal advice. Although we can provide legal information to help you understand the divorce process, we recommend consulting with a qualified family law lawyer to obtain legal advice specific to your situation.